Sunday, December 9, 2007

#171-180

#171. Beat Jess in Mean Bean Machine. So she is pretty cocky when it comes to this Dr. Mario wannabe game. Granted, she possess some pretty fly skills. However, I have bested her on a couple of occasions. I still can't hold a light to Drew, who can slay anyone at this game even when he is drunk, laying on the ground, can't speak straight and still manages to hand you your own ass in defeat.

#172. Read the Bible. I did this in my righteous days. Before I found the wondrous things of booze and fornication. I've got my own view on how things might be working above us or all around us or whatever, but this blog isn't about that.

#173. Meditate. Every night, during boot camp, when all the recruits were lined up getting ready to hit the rack we would be reciting things we had learned throughout the day. Firewatch would be posted by the lights, ready to begin their tour of duty. Right before we laid down we would thrust our right hand out and say "God", next our left hand, and yelled, "Country" and then we could clasp our hands together and yell out, "Corps!" Separation of Church and state, indeed. Most of the time, I closed my eyes and envisioned women naked, dancing around me. Or what it will be like when I can leave this God forsaken place.

#174. Have a 2 dollar bill. This wasn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be. Not as cool as this.



#175. Blow out all my tires and keep driving. I was sent to an Anti-Terrorism Evasive Driving Course out at Bill Scott Raceway. It was a four day long course of speeding around a race track, vehicle ramming, PIT manuevers, power sliding, and forward and reverse 180s. Fucking awesome. I got paid for it too. God bless government spending.

#176. Learn a new form of origami. I read this book in 4th grade about paper cranes, so I can make a crane from memory pretty lickidy split quick. I did a little paper folding research and came across a "Medium" difficulty piece, The Butterfly.



#177. Battle a fire. Mindigo and I used to go out and tromp around the back woods of Delaware County in Ohio back in the day. We'd pack up some food, drink and smokables and we took off. Among the many hi jinx that took place out there, I'll remember two most vividly. We were clearing out a place in the woods to hold a big ass woods party. We'd invite people out, get high, get drunk, and dance tribal dances around a fire.....naked. Or that's what I had in mind. Anyways, we brought an axe out there, a shovel, a few other garden tools, lots of bud and packs full of food. After working long a hard, we tromped back out, but we were not familiar with the woods yet so we came back out to an unknown road. We were trudging along it, very vagabond like and a car comes around the corner. It comes by, passes, and it turns out its Chitty and Frausto, a couple long time friends who were out on a bake route. They gave us a couple looks at the shovel, like we had just buried a body, and told us to hop in and lit up.

Speaking of lighting up, this brings me to my main story. I thought it would be a grand idea to bring a couple gallons of gasoline out to our "Eden" retreat. We fiddled around, and I suspended the gas over a stream to get it out of the way. We'll the can had a leak in it and was leaking gas into the stream. Aside from probably killing the little frogs that were around the area, I thought it would be amusing to light to creek on fire. It caught alright, well it burned a lot longer than I thought it would and slowly the heat began to melt the gasoline container hanging over the creek. The fire had moved downstream and I was in big trouble. Grabbing a huge branch I was going to try and hook the handle and save the gas, and pull it ashore. Well the plastic had taken a goopy consistency and it plummeted into the fire and so, being in the stoned state I was in, grabbed a large rock to force the container under water. The malleable plastic betrayed me again and FLOOSH!! There was an inferno consuming all the immediate woods around me and Mindigo.



We tried frantically to put it out, we started with water, but that obviously didn't work. We turned to mud and sand from the bank of the stream and smothered out the fire. For a brief few moments we almost turned and took off, to save our own hides and leave the forest for ruin. But we battled and persevered and snuffed the fire out. To our dismay, we had burnt our woods retreat, to the ground.



#178. Spend my whole paycheck in one day. I do this every 15th of the month.....fucking DC rental rates.

#179. Get a band's autograph. Alrosa Villa, 2002, Benson and myself havin' a ball back in the wood.



#180. Mail in something to PostSecret. No, I'm not secretly killing people. But, I can't tell you. That's the whole point, buy the book and guess which is mine.

#161-170

#161. Watch two girls go all out. Alright, I might lose a couple of readers from this but, is there anything better? No. Period.

#162. Visit the Statue of Liberty. So I didn't go up in it...saw it, its big, wasn't impressed. I think it held more awe when tons of Europeans were arriving to Ellis Island. Then again, thats when we were accepting immigrants. The Melting Pot of the World. Well they showed up to be degraded and thrown into the Union army. Sad.



#163. Kiss someone under the mistletoe. I'll refrain from commenting about attaching mistletoe to my belt buckle.

#164. Play Othello. I pwn bitches.



#165. Be in a foursome. Motel 6 parties always seem to end in some kind of debauchery. Our entourage would always get two rooms. One was the party room and the other..well, I guess thats the real PARTY room. I really would like to apologize to the traveling blue collar man who slept in those beds after the deed was done.

#166. Buy a video camera. I don't use this thing as nearly as much as I should.

#167. Carve a penis into a pumpkin. Don't hate on my huge balls.



#168. Watch all six Rocky movies. Rocky movies always seem to follow some kind of larger battle and victory. Illiteracy, Poverty, and my favorite Communism.



#169. Beat Dr. Mario on Medium. Well onto bigger and better things. Dr. Mario is the shit. Almost better than Guitar Hero.



#170. Drink Absinthe. So Aaron Titus wanted to get hooked up with Recon School. No one was really helping him out so I stretched my admin powers of the Marine Corps and got him into a slot this coming Janurary (2008). He just took a trip to Prague and brought me back a little slice of heaven. Well, Hungarian Heaven. Unfortunately, I did not see any green people, elephants, or any other living being. Just got drunk as a skunk.


#151-160

#151. Visit Kentucky. I just recently traveled to Louisville for a wedding and the bars there are awesome. They stay open extra late and section off the streets so drunkards don't stumble into oncoming traffic. Safety first. It is where Hunter S. Thompson was from. Great American.

#152. Visit Arizona. I was born there at Ft. Huachuca. Another one of my goals is to revisit there to see where I was born.

#153. Visit Florida. See my very first post about the Epic Trip of Americans to Florida. This was also the first place I ever saw someone having sex in person. I was in one of those high rise hotels on the ocean and I was outside trying to get away from my mother. I was only about 12 or 13 and I saw this one woman lay ontop of a hood of a car. The guy she was with climbs on top of her and they start going at it. My mom came out to pester me still in her liquor induced shenanigans and she saw them too. She belts out the loudest scream, I've ever heard her scream. The couple looks up and sees my mom waving her hands at them and they run for cover.

#154. Visit South Carolina. Recruit Depot, Paris Island is a magical and wonderful place. Full of lollipops and unicorns and beer that flows like wine.


#155. Visit Virginia. I currently live here as of 2007 in Alexandria, VA. If you ever come here, visit Old Town...lots of fun and booze.

#156. Visit Maryland. I tend to stay away from Maryland. Anacostia is right near Camden in terms of safety, they don't call it Murdaland for nothing. A co-worker was living off of Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.....took him a couple months to get jumped.

#157. Visit Pennsylvania. I only partially remember going to PA, my dad was setting up a store and I went to go visit him with my family.

#158. Visit Tennessee. I used to have long lost relatives there somewhere. I think they might have escaped to the woods to be free with their woodland creature friends.

#159. Visit Canada. I was only across the river from Detroit, but I went to Windsor to piss away my money on foreign soil. The bartenders were all night, considering they knew that we Americans were just there to spend money, so they buttered up to us. What the hell is up with black squirrels, btw?

#160. Visit New Jersey. I went up to Jersey City to compete at the NAGA Worlds Grappling tourney in April of 2007. I placed 2nd in my first real grappling tournament. I was disappointed in my last match, I should have pulled it out. But thats ok, I won a few solid matches. Check it out on YouTube.

#141-150

#141. Buy lingerie for a woman. Its like choose your own adventure!! You pick out the outfit and then you get to enjoy!

#142. Have a woman model lingerie for me. Role-playing is awfully fun. Being a photographer with a shy subject always leads to a good time.

#143. Watch Grease. Seeing John Travolta in tight jeans is laughable. He is a Scientologist, so I usually don't watch films with them in it. However, for the sake of the list, I pulled it out. Now, if you aren't exactly sure what Scientology involves, read up, its absolutely amazing that people buy into this kind of stuff.

#144. Meet someone with my exact same name. I met another Brandon Michael Smith while I was at school at Bowling Green State University. We played wiffle ball, we dominated.

#145. Be a licensed fisherman. I got my VA permit last year, I think it is expired now. Where I go fishing now, there isn't any Game Wardens for miles. People actually live off the land there for a majority of their food like fish, deer and vegetables. Good eating!

#146. Date someone for a year. Time flies when you're having fun.

#147. Get Engaged. I guess I already told you the story, maybe N'ks Anal Fisting Demonstration/Halloween party/Marriage proposal night will be more interesting.

#148. Visit Ohio. Ok, I lived there for close to 10 years. Make sure you stop by the cement corn in Dublin and oh yea, GO BROWNS!!



#149. Visit Georgia. Savannah is great city, lots of history. Pretty good, tucked away beaches on Tybee Island. We hung out by the ruins of a Confederate fort that was almost all buried in the sand.

#150. Visit North Carolina. My run in with Camp Devildog while at MCT has all but made me avoid NC forever. I do not like this state. Do not want.




#131-140

#131. Ride the Magnum. I rode this one in the front row. Big step for me. I am scared of roller coasters, like I've mentioned before, but damn, I love them.

#132. Ride the Millennium Force. Makes the Magnum look like a little girl. WHOOO!!

#133. Eat ONE chip out of the bag. They said it couldn't be done. Well I had one Lay's original potato chip and walked away. Luckily it wasn't Pringles...because, as you know, once you pop, you can't stop.

#134. Ride the Power Tower. I know, its a lot of roller coasters, but they are things I want to do!!

#135 Own some kind of collection. I know its kind of lame, but I love getting Marine Corps coins. I've gotten a few new ones lately, including SDP's and for giving blood. The higher the coin in the Chain of Command, the more you can trump people at drinking occaisions. I've also got Warlord Bush, so I'm good for awhile. Until Obama wins.


#136. Get a hole in one in putt putt golf. It was probably the first hole, but it still counts.

#137. Ride the Mantis. I love stand up coasters. I feel like I'm going to fall any second!

#138. Type 100 words a minute. I tested out at 111 wpm on the Typing Tutor at Camp Johnson, NC.

#139. Blow a pair of speakers. Poor Integra's speakers, I listened to my angry music too loud and they blew. Oops

#140. Receive oral sex from a woman with a pierced tongue. Either she was bad or it doesn't make that much of a difference.

#121-130

#121. No TV for 1 month. I have boot camp to thank for a lot of my goals being reached. Directly and indirectly. Though I do only have 2 years and 2 days left...not that I'm counting. Besides I really could do with out Deal or No Deal, Will & Grace, Grey's Anatomy or anything starring David Spade.

#122. Join a fraternity. I rushed Pi Kappa Phi in the fall of 2002. I realize now how silly they are, but it was certainly a good excuse to become a beer swilling, liquor chugging, beer pong champion caliber college student.


#123. Quit a job you hate. I turn in my 2 weeks to Wal-Mart and when asked by my management why I was leaving, I told them that the pay was inadequate for the amount of poor management that I had to work with. They said ok.

#124. Have a level 60 Character on World of Warcraft. Ditz a Gnome Mage on Detheroc for awhile before I transfered it.

#125. Have a level 70 Character on World of Warcraft. Gredo, named after the Marine that fucked a dog, the new name for Ditz was on Dragonmaw post-BC.


#126. Make a potato gun. I constructed it mostly out of PVC pipe. I sealed the seams and installed an electric grill starter for the ignitor. Unscrew it and spray some ether in there and KABOOM!!! Flying potatoes.

#127. Steal something worth over $100. I really like my George Foreman Grill. It cooks my chicken quickly and its very healthy. Tasty.

#128. Ride the Dragster. A great, but short ride (thats what she said) at Cedar Point, it shoots you up to 120mph.
#129. Hit the bell at a carnival game. I was hoping I would win a huge ass stuffed animal, but sadly it was very modestly sized.

#130. Run a 7 minute mile. PT...its good for me, good for you.

#111-120

#111. Own Aviator sunglasses. I rock them out.



#112. Buy a disco ball. These liven up any party. They give me a fever! And the only cure is to dance with soul!!!!

#113. Have sex in the shower. Though SOME people might believe I do not enjoy this, I do. I just like to differentiate cleaning and loving. Jerk.

#114. Catch a fly mid-flight with hand. I used some Karate Kid type technique and snagged a fly out of the air! I've done this twice, once the fly flew away when I opened my hand, the other time...well, he didn't make it.

#115. Get head on a Ferris Wheel. So Cedar Point is a pretty cool place. The..uhh..view is fantastic.

#116. Have sex while being watched. Voyeurism at its best. Hey look what I can do!

#117. Sew something. I made an apron when I was in 7th grade. I think I should find it and cook with it sometime.

#118. Pay off a loan. I just recently paid off my auto loan for my junker Cherokee. Here is to owning something out right that'll probably break down in about 10,000 miles.

#119. Live on my own. I moved out into the basement of a campus house in Columbus, Ohio. I was there for 3 months. It was a dump that was musty and hot, no AC and in a sketchy part of town. Sweet Freedom.

#120. Win a wrestling tournament. This was written after high school, so I've been in a few open wrestling tournaments since then. I've done pretty well, wish I could find more to do.

#101-110

#101. Talk on the phone for four hours. When I lived in my dungeon in the basement, I'd stay on the phone for hours, usually until my battery died.

#102. Be online, at the computer for 24 hours straight. So I used to smoke a lot of pot and I'd get so baked I wouldn't really move anywhere. Aside from bio breaks and refilling my drink, I wasted 24 full hours on Warcraft and porn...well, maybe wasted isn't the right word.

#103. Don't use a computer for a month. Paris Island strikes again, as I did not use a computer for close to 3 months.

#104. Don't enter a car for a week. I remember it wasn't until the rifle range when I was in a car again during boot camp. I had to get into the back of a truck and get hauled back to 1st Battalion. It was really weird. It was the first realization that bootcamp might actually have an end. That there was still an outside world that was enjoying themselves and not stuck in a swamp.

#105. Complete a 1000 piece puzzle. I don't remember what the puzzle was, I think it was a Santa Claus one we did at the Best's house during the Christmas season.

#106. Buy something online. I joined the digital revolution. First thing I bought online was a Muhammad Ali poster.

#107. Go shopping for porn with significant other. 2 on 1 and The Krystal Method have been among our best purchases. Very nice!



#108. Go thrifting. Half my wardrobe used to be from a thrift store. I love going thrifting. If you decide to go, check out their jewelry and I guarantee that there will be something to do with owls.

#109. Buy stock. So I invested some money in Wal-Mart stock while I was working there. I quit. I sold it all and I blew the money. Smart investing.

#110. Own a trench coat. I've got a grey one, just like Inspector Gadget. I never wear it, it looks goofy....but I'm waiting for the right rainy day to rock it out.

#91-100

#91. Witness a car wreck, that I'm not involved in. I was driving down 295 South and was about to exit into Alexandria. I look in my rear view mirror to see a Civic cut off some Camry or something and the Camry went left right into the cement guard wall. It turned the car perpendicular and blocked two lanes of traffic. Ah, DC traffic.

#92. Write a 5 page paper. Well this isn't really anything to be proud of anymore. Its kind of embarrassing that I had this as a goal to achieve.

#93. Write a 10 page paper. This pretty much indicates I've gone to at least one college class. No applause needed.

#94. Win a double overtime match in wrestling. It was tied 5-5 and the first over time went off without any points scored. I won the second toss and chose the only logical choice. Down. The whistle sounded and exploded up. I was knocked back down, but rose again. I grabbed at his lock around my waist and thrust my hips out breaking his grip. Backing away, I stepped to face him and I had escaped.

#95. Read a whole school text book. Luckily, I've taken Warfare in the Ancient Mediterranean. Herodotus was a bad ass.

#96. Have sex on a pool table. If you haven't already noticed, I'm a man and have a lot of things pertaining to sex. Deal with it. So with that, let me take my pool cue and slide it into your corner pocket.

#97. Pee for a minute straight. Lots of beer = lots of pee.

#98. Stay awake for 3 days straight. The first 3 days of boot camp really sucked. I've never had to pee so bad in all my life, holding it for hours and hours and hours. You know you can be clinically declared insane if you are up for more than 72 hours.

#99. Sleep for 15 hours straight. I might have done this a couple of times but the one I know for sure was the following morning and day after my senior prom. I drank way too much booze and then stumbled around Dublin, had my first cigarette and was astounded that I wasn't arrested.

#100. Accomplish 100 goals on the list. 901 more to go.

#81-90

#81. Save an animal. When Jessica moved into her dorm room in 2003 for her Sophomore year, a magical cat appeared in her room. The doors and windows were closed but some how, it appeared and started purring at us. It was very thin and looked hungry. We hooked him up with some tuna and milk and gave him some place to sleep for awhile. It wondered outside into the hallway and I guess didn't want to come back.

#82. See a shooting star. These happen all the time. Still pretty sweet....just don't call out an airplane.

#83. Be recognized by a stranger on the street. They recognized me as the coach from Dublin Coffman's wrestling team. I was probably the coach jumping around up and down while yelling at my wrestlers. Professionalism at its best.

#84. Get crapped on by a bird. Boom, white bomb right on the shoulder. Not so much luck for Maria with getting bird turds in her hair. BURN!

#85. See lightning strike. There was a porch full of half naked college students, drunk as skunks watching lightning strike a power converter at Miami University (OH). There was green and red and blue flames flying everywhere. Awesome.

#86. Watch all six Star Wars. Episodes 1, 2, and 3 make me want to kill myself.

#87. Count to 1001. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... yea i did it out loud.

#88. Wear the same clothes for a week. We had a contest to see who could go the longest without showering at MCT. I went 21 days. EEWW!!

#89. Have sex with a married woman. Well, it would only make sense that I've had sex with my wife...who is MARRIED.

#90. Have sex with a stranger. Like I said before...this will cause you to fail out of college. Even if they are in a Britney Spears Halloween costume. When Britney was good looking and not the train wreck she is now.

#71-80

#71. Visit Indiana. I went right outside Indianapolis to visit Uncle Ralph and Aunt Terrie's Christmas get-together. Also, I just recently went into Indiana when I when I was visiting Louisville for the wedding and I drove Lee over to get some pants. Forgetful Sally.

#72. Visit Delaware. Liquor is tax free. Amen. Also, I was assigned to drive the Colonel out to Dover Air Force Base. In Dover, the planes land that are coming over from Iraq to transfer the caskets of the fallen Marines, soldiers, airmen and sailors. I boarded the plane and carefully unloaded the caskets, and prepared them for their dignified transfer by the Dover teams. Very solemn ceremony.


#73. Visit New York. I went up to Times Square for New Year's 2007. See following stories.

#74. Go to Times Square. I felt like Hiro from Heroes. Only I didn't yell anything in Japanese.


#75. Go to Times Square on New Year's Eve. I know its a very touristy thing to do. We arrived in Hoboken, NJ and took the subway into the city. We got to our hotel, Hotel Carter and they ended up charging us close to 200 dollars more for the night. Ghetto. We were complaining and the so-called manager Abdul heard us. He was smitten with Katie and told us to be in the hotel lobby at 8:00pm sharp. Well we said what the hell. We stuffed our coats full of Gatorade mixed with Everclear. As our small throng of people were following Abdul, I had to call off some following ruffians by saying I was bigger than them and I'd make them go away if they didn't on their own. Abdul took us through about 4 police blockades and into a small sectioned off spot of Times Square. In between the stage with Christina Aguilera and My Chemical Romance and where the Ball was going to drop.


#76. Visit Alabama. Home of the finest highways in the nation.

#77. Go to a strip club. Mirage and The Cave are Jacksonville, NC's finest attractions. Full of Marines' wives and daughters of retired Marines. Topless only. Rip. Vanity, formerly Pure Platinum, was Columbus' rep as far as my repertoire goes. Full nudity. Friendly girls. Good times...until you step outside and realize Jesus is looking down on you shaking his head. Cmon Jesus, cut me some slack.


#78. See a bird fly into a window. I was spacing off and then DUD! a bird nailed the window and fell straight down. I felt bad, but it was still pretty funny.

#79. See a lunar eclipse. I realized later than you see this in one degree or another every night. I'm an idiot.

#80. See a solar eclipse. I saw one when I was in 4th grade. We made little projection boxes to see it safely and not looking up and searing our retinas. Safety is paramount!

#61-70

#61. Drool in front of someone. Yea, shrooms will have the effect on you sometimes.

#62. Run with scissors. I didn't fall over. I didn't impale myself.

#63. Party out in the woods. See 'Go Camping'

#64. Tell parents I have a tattoo. The first one my mom told me to get the fuck out of her house, the 2nd and 3rd she laughed and told me she liked them. Shes not bipolar or anything.

#65. Jump off a really high platform. I got to jump off a couple things at boot camp. We dove off the high dive for swim qual and I got a few jumps off things in the Confidence Course. Good times. Jumping off the top of the dug outs into the fly ball net was exciting.

#66. Have sex in a tent. Rocks digging into my knees while I'm going at it. Bugs and sweat. Thats hot.

#67. Learn a martial arts move. I've studied jiu jitsu, wrestling, muay thai, tae kwon do, and boxing. Wrestling is the shit.

#68. Teach a dog a trick. Brownie can now sit, lay down, dance and shake. Buckeye sits when he wants to. However, he can speak.

#69. Learn to play Euchre. Its a pretty fun card game. I really and truly don't understand why people get so obsessed with it.

#70. Ace an exam. Its been many moons since I have, but I have. I swear. Stop looking at me that way.

#51-60

#51. Get a tattoo. Evolved on High St. in Columbus, Ohio has done all 3 of mine. Great work, nice, professional artists. I can't wait to get another.



#52. Get pierced. I've had 5 piercings so far though all of them are out now that I'm in the Marine Corps. If you know all 5 piercings you probably know me pretty well...if not...well...you sure missed out.

#53. Get in a fight. I didn't get into an actual fight until I was 19. Jared and myself were both young and pretty immature and he was saying a few things that I didn't want to hear. I shoved a bench at him and he threw it back at me. So I stepped over the bench and threw a hay maker and BAM! Right in the side of the head. I pushed him up against the lockers and threw a couple more punches before some guys pulled me off. I went home and called up his dad and said "Well I punched your son, but he had it coming."

#54. Sleep at work. I had some epic hang over naps in the men's stall at a Wal-Mart restroom. Record time: 3 hours. Suck it Walton.

#55. Throw a rock at a moving vehicle. OK, so I'm not exactly proud of this one. Yea, its really not cool...I was young and really dumb once, now I'm just young and dumb.

#56. Have sex in a hot tub. With all those bubbles goin' on, people in the hot tub can't actually see what you're doing with someone else. Special thanks to the Butke's for their hot tub...No, it wasn't with Sarah.

#57. Have sex in a pool. Even though N'k was watching us pretty much the whole time we were partaking in the deed. Still fun to be outside, in beautiful summer weather under a starlit night.

#58. Hit a car in a parking lot. To the staff member of Reynoldsburg High School, I apologize. It was merely a flesh would on your car...none on mine. The Bullet was unscathed.

#59. Get caught singing in the car, and continue to sing. I usually don't sing, I yell. Metal is my music and if I get caught singing, I'm usually red faced and angry looking. But I decided yelling at the person was best and I belted out some tunes for them.

#60. Kick somone's ass. See 'Get in a Fight' Many people have argued that this might be the same thing, thus having two of the same goals on my list. Wrong. Get in a fight could have many different outcomes. I could get my ass beat, I could do the ass beating, it could be a good scrap where one of us barely bests the other. No, this is a goal of kicking somone's ass.

#41-50

#41. Play Golf. I played on a small 9 hole course back in Plain City, Ohio. I'm horrible. Absolutely horrible. Fun as hell though. I can't wait to get old, smoke a cigar and play all day long. What I'm really looking forward to is renting a golf cart and bringing out a case of beer.

#42. Take a walk in the rain. Does training count? I was at Marine Combat Training and we spent some of the time in a downpour while we learned about squad rushes and patroling. We walked around in the woods for hours while we got rained on. Had a blast though.

#43. Have a personal Website. I don't think MySpace or Facebook count. But I certainly think that this blog site does!! Thanks for reading it and making a dream come true...or something like that.

#44. Fall out of a chair accidentally. I saw someone fall out of a chair once for no reason. I hoped that someday I would be lucky enough to do so. The chair at my computer is missing of the caster wheels so it isn't very stable. I'll lean back and AH! out I go and onto the ground. My dogs are oddly scared to death when this happens.

#45. Use the women's bathroom. At Bowling Green University, I had alot of time on my hands. I never went to class. So Gilkerson, Schneider and myself were leaving the chowhall and the perfect opportunity comes up. I bust into the women's bathroom, take a leak, and come out victorious. For the record, there were no couches, flowers, hair dressers, or steamrooms that men sometimes think there is in women's bathrooms. Which still begs the question...why do they go in groups?

#46. Grease someone's door handles. I want to thank Joe for trying to open his beater Mustang's door and recieving a handful of grease I smeared in the handle. I think it took him all afternoon to get it out of his fingernails.

#47. Wear knee socks with shorts. I looked ridiculous, but the odd thing is that I blended in perfectly at Bowling Green's campus.

#48. Wear suspenders. I was a newsie from the 1930's for a murder/mystery partner for an old firm that Jess used to work for. It was supposed to take place during the 1930's but all the women were dressed as flappers from the roaring 20's. Historically ignorant lawyers.

#49. Play Tag in a store. Big Bear, a grocery store thats no longer in business, was one of Kroger's rivals back in Ohio. A bunch of us played tag in a store one day where I usually stayed around the frozen foods. They were the waist high kind so I could keep an eye on anyone coming after me. We were eventually told to kindly leave the store.

#50. Have sex on Christmas while wearing a Santa hat. HO HO HO.

#31-40

#31. Ride in a taxi. I wish I never had. They smell, you're scared for your life, and you're usually out of cash by the time you get where you need to go.

#32. Own a stuffed animal. Even big manly men own stuffed animals right? They don't? oh...well...uh. I still do. I've got this one bear in overalls that say 'Smarty Pants' and a graduation hat get up. My mom gave it to me when I graduated Pre-school.

#33. Sell something on Ebay. I've sold some books and my old computer monitor on Ebay. Its amazing the amount of money you can make from CRAP.

#34. Go camping. Out in Strausburg, Virginia Tim Hand has some friends that have a nice piece of land in the country. It bumps up to a creek you can swim in and try and drown your dog in. There was a place for a fire, which me and Drew quickly created...because we're men...with kerosene. We shot some guns, roasted some marshmallows, lit fireworks, and drank way too much alcohol. Jackson got drunk and fell in the river and sadly, lost his sandals. Jess, Drew and I decided to go pass out while the others were still drinking the whiskey. Needless to say, I awoke a couple hours later to the sound of an AK47 rattling off rounds. I rolled over and went back to bed.



#35. Give blood. Where else can you get out of work, have a juice box, and nibble on cheesecake?? Only at blood drives at Marine Barracks, Washington.

#36. Have sex with a soririty girl. Evidently, doing this causes you to skip class and fail out of college. Stay away from them.

#37. Go coon hunting. I am not known as Brandon when coon hunting. I am Ridge Runner. I hunt with Swamp Dog, Cooter, and Wampus Kitty A.K.A. Ezikiel. We take out Hank, Kelly and Daisy, 3 of the best dogs in the world. Hank is a big idiot and barks at everything, but its Kelly you want to listen for. We load Cooter's backpack up with beer because he's our pack mule. We pound beers and chase coons until the Game Warden or some kind of law lurks somewhere on an ATV. Then we get the hell outta there.

Update: R.I.P Daisy 2004-2008 Died killin' coon.

#38. Cut down a tree. I might be only a couple of generations away from a chimpanzee, but cutting down a tree with an axe is quite an accomplishment. Especially if you can use it for a bench. I am sorry to the young woodland creatures we uncovered in the process.

#39. Take a body shot. Slurping copious amounts of hard proof liquor out of the navel of a female is certainly an experience worth going to war for.

#40. Go to a movie by myself. I saw Superman Returns. I'm glad I wasn't with anyone because I think I might have been witness to a suicide. It was one of the worst movies I've ever seen.



I really wish they would have made a Doomsday based Superman movie. The comic was written back in the 90's and has Superman die in the end. Definitely a great comic book.

#21-30

#21. Pick wild fruit. I've ran across blackberry bushes tromping through the woods and there used to be a mulberry tree, or atleast thats all I remember it being called, that we would climb and eat forever...until the neighbors told us they were poisonous. I now know that I shouldn't eat mulberries, but they make fantastic catfish bait.

#22. Make homemade Lemonade. Remember the starting proportions - 1 cup of sugar, 1 cup of water, 1 cup of lemon juice. It was a looong time ago, I should probably make it again to really enjoy it.

#23. Make homemade Orange Juice. This was a disaster. I squeezed them all with my hands, it was way too pulpy, but the overall taste wasn't that bad. I didn't make alot, probably because it didn't have a proper juicer. Oh well, I did it just for the list's sake.

#24. Be in a most pit. If you ever want to get into a real posh pit check out a concert of Lamb of God. I was lucky enough to see these hellions of heavy at the Alrosa Villa in Columbus, Ohio. They do something called the Wall of Death where they make the crowd part for a few while they build up their song into a massive breakdown where the 2 sides of the crowd rush each other like fucking Braveheart. Don't worry, no Brandons were harmed in the filming of this concert.

#25. Wear a wife beater. Yea, just call me Kid Rock...or white trash. Either works.

#26. Shave my head. How much do I miss boot camp? Actually....it was a blast, but I really don't miss the barbers that shaved my head and took chunks of flesh out of my skull in the process. I'd like to see you shave someones head in 10 seconds and not cut them all to hell.

#27. Be in a security detail. Now, if any Marine looks at this they'll roll their eyes. But, technically, I was. Every Tuesday at the Iwo Jima Memorial for the Sunset Parades. Now do I think I'd ever have to actually do anything that would require force or authority? No. Tell people I'm from Ohio and that I'm a huge Browns fan? Yes.

#28. Have sex in a public place. Most of the parks in Dublin, Ohio have been soiled and sullied and you should not take your children there...unless they have latex gloves on.

#29. Play Frisbee with a dog. Brownie hates Frisbees. She tried to kill it but couldn't quite manage to pick it off the ground once it landed. Her only hope was to catch it while rolling from a bad throw. Right after I got home from playing with Buckeye and Brownie, they passed out and I don't think even a chainsaw would have been able to wake them up.



#30. Party at Ohio University on Halloween. It was a horrible trip. We drove a long ass time along some highway I swear even God had forgot. We were assured by a friend that her boyfriend was having a huge party and that it was very easy to get to. We arrive to a clusterfuck of a parking lot of hundreds of drunk people. My entourage of Bam Bam & Pebbles, Rambo, a man dressed a Catholic schoolgirl, 2 fairys, Alice in Wonderland, and a sexy cowboy. We downed the rest of our stored liquor and proceeded to Court St. The epicenter of the madness. We tried repeatedly to get ahold of our friend, who was quickly becoming our enemy. We sobered up and it was almost when we decided to go when she called and announced that she was ready to get us. Well she got us and took us to the party, which was not there. We were so tired and pissed by that point that we just went to some small apartment and went to bed. The next day, I raided his friends for my hungry compatriots and we took off home. BAM BAM!


#11-20

#11. Send significant other a dozen roses. I've done this before but I am sure that when Jess gets lilies, she likes them more. I like the smell of lilies more than roses anyways.

#12. Get married. So, we did a small civil ceremony first, I got her a puppy instead of a ring. We've got the ring now, but I think she still likes the beagle more. We had just finished visiting Brownie at the Animal Shelter and Jess and I took a walk to talk about adopting the beagle. I got on a knee and asked, luckily, she said yes.

#13. Fall in love. I don't think #12 should happen before #13 so they might be out of order. Though she might steal the blankets, snore, take 2 hour long showers, and takes twice as long to cut up veggies, shes ok in my book.

#14. Drink with my parents. When don't my parents drink? Usually I'll kick back some beers.....and lots and lots of tequila with my parents while grilling some steaks, watching some football, or listening to some of the best damn rock'n'roll on speakers that are turned up so loud that I'm amazed the cops haven't shown up.

#15. Sleep under the stars. WARNING. Make sure its not cold outside when you do this. I made this mistake...or rather the Marine Corps did. Who plans a shooting exercise for fun in February? You could see your breath smoke, and your piss steam. Your toes and ears were numb all night and only when you finally might have created enough heat in your sleeping system, it was time to wake up and start shooting again. Though my fondest memory of sleeping under the stars was sleeping in a certain Spongebob Squarepants sleeping bag under the Oxford, Ohio sky resting up for a long night of partying.

#16. Throw a piece of clay. Though Patrick Swayze wasn't there to hold me tight, molding clay the way you want on a turntable is hard as hell. I made some sort of cup that looked like a drunken 5 year old may have been the real artist.



#17. Push a car. People in Washington, DC do not know how to drive in the winter. I don't know how many cars I've pushed out of snow embankments this past winter and I'm praying to the Al Gore God of Global Warming that there isn't a flake of snow this winter.

#18. Ride in a helicopter. Last time I played Marine for a few days we got to shoot some 249 SAWs, our M16s, throw a couple grenades, run through the O and E Course and we got ran around Quantico one of these:

#19. See all 3 Lord of the Rings movies on opening day. I am not a dork. I swear.



#20. Make some kind of jewelry. Alright, so its bound to happen when you smoke so much pot, you decide that Saltines and mayonnaise sound good. Eventually follows homemade hemp necklaces and bracelets. Joan Rivers would be appalled. I say go to the stable and feed your daughter more oats and barley.

#1-10

#1. Cut my own hair. Originally, I thought that this would be a drunken endeavor I'd greatly regret, but now that I'm in the Marine Corps, I can touch up my curtailed locks anytime I please.
#2. Ride in the front row of a rollercoaster. I'm scared shitless of rollercoasters. But isn't that the whole fun in it? I got in the front row of the Magnum, a Cedar Point staple, awhile back and it was a blast. Not being able to see the drop off as you go up that first huge hill, it gives me the weirdest feeling in my stomach.



Magnum....get it? JUST ONE LOOK?!

#3. Request a song on the radio. I called into 99.7 The Blitz in Columbus, Ohio and requested Pantera's "Walk". You never get to hear Pantera on the radio and I thought that a bored Brandon could listen and blow off some steam while I was rescreening window screens at Roush Hardware.



#4. Shoot a gun with a laser tip on it. Again, didn't think I was going to be in the Marine Corps when I started so I was lucky on this one. Say hello to my little friend!

#5. Walk an elderly lady across the street. Thanks to working parades for the Marine Corps, I get to escort old people everywhere! Though I think the only things they like to talk about is Jesus, Vietnam, and how shiny my shoes are. I realize that I've completed a few of my challenges through the Marine Corps, but lets not get hasty here. I'm still ready to get out.

#6. Be in a threesome. Lots of booze, Ohio State crushing Texas 24-7, dancing to some music, then locking my roommate so he couldn't get in on the action. Sorry for the cockblock, Dan. I'm an asshole I know....but totally worth it.

#7. Be certified in CPR. Marine Corps boot camp. Teaching us to steal chow, write letters under the sheets, get dressed in under a minute, and how to save someone's life.

#8. Drink a whole pot of coffee. I'd like to apologize to my toilet. However, my entire house was clean. Even the dishes. Then I think I ran about 10 instances on World of Warcraft. Luckily, I am now over that and am a recovering WoW addict.

#9. Fix a machine. I used to work on different sorts of small gasoline engines while I worked at Roush Hardware. Mostly chainsaws, mowers and weed whackers. Usually its just a bad spark plug or you're out of gas. Dumb asses. But sometimes it was actually something worth repair, carbs, rotted out fuel lines, bad fuel pump...all sorts of stuff.

#10. Sleep on a beach. If I ever make it out to the beach, I tan and I sleep. I usually burn because of it....but I still love it.

1001 Things To Do Before You Die

It seems like it was about four lifetimes ago, I was being driven around the Columbus/Upper Arlington area after a movie at AMC. I was in the passenger seat, while an old friend, Lauren Frausto, talked about this and that. I seemed pretty content with myself and said that I was perfectly happy in my life and wouldn't mind being where I was forever.

After an audible scoff, Lauren dove into a flurry of banter about how theres so much to life that you couldn't possible be happy with the small slice of life you've enjoyed so far. She said that there has to be something that I would not be happy with my life, unless I did. I decided she was right and we began to throw ideas back and forth.We thought of 10 things we wanted to do and she bet that I could probably come up with 100 things. I thought it would be a smart ass thing to say that I could come up with 1001 things to do before I died. She said I couldn't....almost 5 years later, sadly, I'm only in the 800s.

So, to keep myself motivated, I decided to share with who ever is reading this...probably just myself...all the things I happen to check off my list. They aren't in any particular order but they are everything from serious to down right embarressing. Hope you enjoy!!

IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS, LET ME KNOW.